i don't really know what i'm doing here.

Does someone love you?

Dear Mr. Darcy,

I have liked you, loved you, hated you, loved you, hated you, hated you, hated you, loved you, and loved you some more.

Sincerely,

Sarah Ellise

I love spilling scalding ramen on myself. Oh, and don't forget the super hott and sexy welts on my crotch and stomach. They are so cute.

So apparently I've found my twin. My dad just called me and asked if I was in Houston with Lauren Moscon. He was watching the Astros baseball game against Milwalkee and the two girls behind Home Plate looked just like us. Weird.

my throat hurts.

don't get sick. don't get sick. don't get sick.

After nineteen years of wishing I had a penis, I have come to the conclusion that is better to be sans ding dong. Yes. Yes indeed.

Cooking and cleaning are written into the deal? Sure whatever. Cooking is fun to me, and cleaning gets me to do something productive. And it's instant gratification.

I love my vagina. It never ceases to astonish me.

Yeah, women get pregnant. We have the honor to create and carry another life. It IS hell giving birth, but who did you adore growing up (and still worship). Mom.

And when was the last time a guy got a free smoothie for batting his eyelashes.

There's the argument that only the attractive women can progress and be happy. Um, maybe it's just me, but have you searched the internet? Everybody likes something.

One time this big surly guy named Tim pouted about having his "monthlies" and got a big hug and an excuse to eat chocolate...ah huh.

Women are used for their sexual appeal, exploited, and only seen as pieces of meat. No one forces women to get breast enhancements, tans, and into tiny bikinis. Those women love the attention and are in fact dominant over the males. These women are manipulating the men into wanting them, into giving them the attention, and...dollar bills. Ever heard of shake what your momma gave you? Yeah well, they shake what the doctor on Rodeo Dr. inserted into you.

The Hollywood standard of beauty is the only way to succeed? Reese Witherspoon just won the Oscar for Best Actress tonight. She has the jaw as long as the Mississippi River and the dignity just as great. All of those esteemed women tonight were not the typical hollywood standard, I don't really think there is one. Sure you can complain all you want about Paris Hilton, and how she's a praying mantis-like-bimbo. But she's feeding off of the attention, hell she's an entrepreneur with two books, two perfumes, countless advertising deals, and a freaking porn tape (she's lame in it though). She's just an example of the typical "hot chic" manipulating the masses. She's a woman. Goddangit, Hillary Clinton manipulated the masses of New York City and she's far from hot. Okay I'm rambling without a point. One more thing. So not every woman has the audience of one million people through various tabloids and talk shows. Other ladies use their power of persuasion to receive gifts: dinner, movie, jewelry, flowers, and other items of a romantic and costly nature.

Not all women use their power of manipulation, but it is in us all, sad to say.

Would you rather be manipulated or the manipulatee?

Don't get me wrong, I'm usually the proto-type feminist ( who shaves ). I never needed a man to validate me. But when you find the right person, you can really figure out what being a woman is. Romance is no longer in the size and length of the price tag and receipt. It's in the appreciation of everyday things, the small kisses, the long glances, the warm touches, the consideration, the meaningful words, and the deep sighs. And there I am. In shock, with a loss of breath. What do I do? I don't need to use my god(dess) given talents of manipulation. That's right. When you find the right person, you figure out that being a woman is looking back at the girlish manipulation. That was child's play.

So guys, men, boys, veterans, whatever. Watch out.

Cause ladies is pimps too.

i hate v-day.

I can't find anymore symbolism behind my dreams anymore. I used to love waking up and just reminisce on my dreams and visions from the night before. I can't do that anymore. My last dream was about a society of Dragons who were living among humans and would attack if anyone ate spaghetti. And then the one before that was so realistic, I had to honestly stop myself and think if it had happened or not. I miss the dreams were it was all fanciful with seas of purple and green, and whenever I had a horrifying image in my head, I could always rely on 'my little pony's' to brighten the scene.

Sometimes it seems that I want to destroy the good things in my life. I think it might all be a challenge I have set up for myself, a really sick challenge that could land itself in front of millions of reality-tv-show lovers. I imagine it would be a lot worse than eating bunny balls and roach puss. I wonder who the host would be. Most likely Starr Jones. She would announce to the world that Sarah is slowly picking her brain apart because of jealousy and false instincts. "OH no! I hope that they just got that on camera! Sarah just puked up her lungs because her imagination has run wild!"

Church is like the hairdressers. If you need it, go. You walk in with dull and drab hair, and you walk out with an uplifted do. You can tip the hairstylist if you want, and if you just want to pay the necessities, then that's fine too. I think some aspects of the church are wonderful. It records benchmarks in people's lives: holidays, weddings, funerals, and baptisms. In turn, church asks for nothing. It fills people with ideas about helping others and being kinder. What could possibly be wrong with that? Maybe using the hairdressers as a metaphor is a little crude, but some people don't find solace in the church like others do, and they aren't bad people for it. They find ways to be uplifted through the ways of nature or by being around people. Some people abuse church and I think that's what has given me my doubt. I've found that the majority of church-going people are enriched and filled with spirit when they leave church every Sunday...and others just walk out like they would out of a grocery store. As if it were a duty, to make sure they don't go to hell.

I really am inspired by people like (you know who you are, AS, LO), who don't use the church, but let their religion fill them with hope, strength, and embellish their minds with ideas of service to mankind. But they are the bright ones, who can even find themselves questioning. Questions are what make the world go round. Blind faith is quite frightening, in my opinion. So are literal and closed faith. Someone who is not opened to new ideas or other ways of life seriously astound me.

I had a interesting talk with a good friend of mine, and he really made it clear. These anti-gay groups who claim that they are fighting for the Christian way, are totally abandoning what they truely believe. In the Christian view everyone commits sin, and God made each sin equally forgivable. If you lie, you are forgiven. If you murder, you are forgiven. If you sodomize, you are forgiven. Why are people so closed minded to think that two people can love each other no matter their sex(that's not fair for me to say, but I'm saying it anyway)? I really want someone to answer this. Other than Pat Robertson please. I don't want to hear any crap about the sanctity of marriage, I just want an honest opinion. Why does love scare you?

I think about religion a lot, but it's one of those subjects that can never come clearly out of my mouth. I usually mutter a lot, but not because I don't have strong feelings about it...but because I even have opposing views in my head. It's like my mind is in conversation and I can't decide which lines of dialog to speak out loud. There are too many lines crossed, even with politics and religion. Religion can instill morals, but which religion? Sure I understand that the world is 1/5 Christian, but our President is there to run our Politics, not to be our mass Preacher. It's wonderful that he has a foundation in morals, but does he need to air it on his ABC and CBS press conferences? In schools, I swear, if this Intelligent Design plan goes through, I don't know what I will do. It's like people plug their ears and deny the genetic resemblance of Chimpanzees and Humans. I imagine our President running around the Board Room table with his fingers in his ears yelling "If I don't hear it, it's not true." Now, I know that just because he has an accent, it doesn't make George W. Bush unintelligent. I just don't agree with a lot of his social issues.

What I really respected in the state of Texas was the moment of silence. I thought it was a really great installment in our day because it considered everyone's use of that one minute. Some people said a silent prayer, others thought about the upcoming day. But it was personal, it was internal, and the choice was yours. You could do what ever you wanted, as long as you were silent and respectful. Do you think children mind if their neighbor is silently thinking their adoration to Allah?

What I need to stop doing is generalizing people. Not everyone who drives a pick-up truck voted for Bush and Proposition 2. Not every country listener hates gays. And not every small town is full of bigots and closed minds.

In other related news: Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

And.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

I now know that my downstairs neighbor is a soprano. And she's probably naked, because I hear the shower starting. This is bad news because if I can hear her sing, she can most likely hear me sing. This poses a problem when I rock out and pull some songs out of my Journey repertoire.

I saw a fox tonight and I haven't slept in 36 hours.

Today, I outsmarted my Anthropology teacher. Actually, not really. But I confused him enough so that he gave me credit. Here was the bonus question:


There are two cowboys riding along next to a tree where a man has recently been hung. One cowboy with a hat tells the other cowboy "brothers and sisters, I have none. That man's father is my father's son." What is the relation of the cowboy with the hat and the man hanging from the tree.

The most logically answer is....it's his son.

BUT, me being me who over thinks things too much said "parallel cousin in a bifurcate merging kinship terminology society". Look it up, it's right. But I spent like 15 minutes explaining it to him. And I have another one of his tests tomorrow for Global Issues. At least he doesn't call me Nancy anymore.

Oh and I have a test on Thursday at 11:15. I'll probably be back in Spring at 4 and then my family and I will go get our Christmas tree. I hope this years is better than the last. Christmas, not the tree.

Hey you, I'm going to steal you tomorrow night for a little bit. I want to show you something.

It's four something in the morning and I'm sitting wide awake on my bed in the middle of my room with the lights on a fan swirling in full motion. I've been trying to sleep for about an hour now, which is unusual for me but I drank two energy drinks at around eight this evening.

For the past week or so, I've heard little noises on the wall at the head of my bed. There is a radiohead poster on the wall. The noises I heard were like laminated paper rubbing away from it's tape, so I thought hey, my poster's going to fall on me from the change in humidity and the lack of adhesive left in the tape. For some reason though, I just couldn't get that noise out of my head. The time passes and I hear a plop. Holy fuckin shit. I jump out of bed and there's a roach on my pillow. If anyone knows me, they know that this is my biggest fear. And why is this happening four hours before my final? God this has to be a nightmare.

I'm fucking terrified. I don't want to sleep here anymore. I'm going to go and stay on my miniature couch now.

Why do scene kids suck at karate?




They can't get past the white belt.

So with that out of the way, I've noticed a pattern. With certain people, I can't convey exactly how much something hurts me. I always end up changing the subject to something mundane and childish and then they forget that I was even hurt in the first place. Which makes the hurtful event more likely to occur again. Yeah everyone gets hurt, I know this. But it sucks when it happens from the people you're closest to.

That's my problem. I need to stop the blame game, forget the past, and be able to convey in a relatively well spoken manner how I feel. I need to stop looking back because it makes me feel like shit. Shit. And look like shit. Shit. You've made me feel like shit before, and it's not going to happen again.

Now, I just have to start.



I hate pretentious dicks.

I'm sorry I didn't call you last night. I left my phone at my grandma's downtown. I'll get it back today.


I miss you.


p.s. Sue Townsend has a new book out. Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction. No joke.

one boy and one girl. in that order. i don't know if i believe it. but it's still cool.

hee heeeeee my turn.
1. Open iTunes or Winamp or whatever
2. Hit shuffle.
3. Find photos of the first 10 artists/bands that come up [no repeats and no cheating].
4. Have people guess who the artists/bands are.

1.


2.


3.


4.


5. /


6.


7.


8.


9.


10.

I can't take it anymore.

You claim you want to change, but you do nothing about it. You have opportunities, but you don't take them.

People try to help, but you turn them away.

Where's your motivation? Grow up.

I would like to see Cruiserweight and Schatze at Emo's on November 11th. It is a late inside show, starts at 9 p.m.

This is my official request. And I expect us to go. As well as the free show on November 6th at St. Edwards University with Pompeii.

So there, you know who you are. Please. No backing out. Not from you, I know you wouldn't back out. You're always there for me. But there's someone who would...Too bad if he's tired or has a Spanish test, he's going. Cruiserweight is special to me. And you are too.

Thank you.

RSVP appreciated.

I was going to do a survey, but here's the only question I care about:

50. Do you wish things were different? If so, why?

Sometimes I wish things in the present were different, just minor trivial things (like i wish my dishes were clean). I would never want the past to be any different. At all. Where I am now in my life, who I'm with, I can't imagine it anyother way. It's actually not the fact that I "can't" - as in I don't have the ability to. I certainly have that ability. Everyone does. It's just that I know I have it. There's no doubt. And there's no other feeling like it. Please don't lecture me and say that I'm too young and I haven't explored. I'm sorry, you're wrong; time has nothing to do with it. It's like that silly quote, "from the outside looking in you can't understand it. from the inside looking out you can't explain it." whatever. If one thing in my life had been different, this would've never happened. If I had made the seventh grade volleyball team (at a crucial time in adolescent development) I quite honestly would've made different friends. i.e. the volleyball girls (duh). I might've lost contact with Misha because we would be interested in different things and then we would've never gone together to see Cruiserweight. My interest in Austin never would've been peaked, and then I would've never looked into St. Edward's.

Even if I changed the way I look.

Or what if my parents had moved to a different neighborhood and I went to Benfer. I might have not met Lauren Moscon and we would never have this 15 year friendship. She would've met a boy and befriended his roommates, but where would I be? I wouldn't be here.

I don't think I'm really explaining it right and how one small change can impact the present. Then again I'm tired as fuck. And the astros are tied, but I won't talk about that.

Thank you for understanding that it will take time. Just know that I am happy, and nothing can change that. I know how you feel, and you know how I feel. I am grateful for that.

why do periods make you so horny? dammit God.

politics man, politics.

I've had this gross knot in my stomach and nothing is settling.

I can't explain anything coherently.

I can't keep my Spanish and German separate.

I can't keep my cereal off of the floor.

I can't get my internet to work.

I can't eat anything without feeling completely nauseous.

I can't help but miss people who are literally down the street. Sometimes it feels like i've been exiled to hell. In the sense that i'm constantly lonely. It's a big change from living with three people.

I can't keep my friends happy. I feel selfish.

I can't help but think the way I think because it's been instilled in me.
- and if you ask by who, you won't like the answer.